MY ALTER EGO VS THE WORLD

Do love has its own way to get expired? Or is it the commitment that just got lost? I never get how people that has been married for so long suddenly get divorced on their 20th years of marriage? I was thinking, how can you get out of love with someone that you've known for so many years?  Just the thought of loving someone for so many years, having to see their face everyday, is there any chance that you want to get out of your comfort zone for the longest time?  You've possibly faced any challenge there is, i mean 20 years? what is something that you have not experienced together other then a pandemic caused by COVID-19? It was so clear in my head that the only thing that might caused this is a lover. Someone have found someone that is more fresh, make 'em feel young again, something that they've been longing for so long. All this marriage, family relationship, make you feel stale and old.   But I guess this time this is not the case.  It's so hard to see t...

What if writing my feelings down won't help me with anything? But why am I trying to let the world know how it feels when its almost impossible to make them feel that i feel even just a tiny bit. The only thing that care about me is me, the only one who understand the pain well is me and only me. Itu semua gabisa dipungkiri. Yes, I do care about people, especially my loved ones. But i cannot ease the pain, i cannot do more than listening to their pain, not bringing them with me, because I have my own pain. I guess its humane, its humane after all. I remember listening to this song diatas gunbat with my loved ones. Those are good days, I just sometimes hope, life goes as what i expect in just a tiny bit of a way. I wish gw sama said bisa work out, i wish gw bisa lulus juli dan bisa lebih tenang untuk gawe, I wish gw bahkan mungkin gausah pindah kelompok sekalian, I wish everything good is happening to me. I wish what i want is the good ones. What can i just for once, get someth...

Still can figure out why it just kept getting worse and worse. Naomi sama Momon besok sidang, and i dont know what to feel I guess I think karma does exist. Gw kira tanggal 5 udah bisa seminar, gw kira akhirnya satu tugas kelar juga. But no, revision revision terus dan terus datang, dan banyak banget. gatau lah perasaan gw campur aduk bangt. Kenapa gw harus milih TA ini, kenapa gw harus ninggalin kelompok gw? Kenapa gw harus TA sama BioFarma? Bayangin ya, kalo gw gak TA sama BioFarma, gw ga bakal sering di Bandung, gw gabakal gabung sama geng mabuy, gw bakal tetep di Nangor, sama tmn-tmn gw yang baik itu, dan gw bisa wisuda Juli. Gila, ga ngerti banget gw.. Tarikannya sejauh ini dari karma gw ninggalin temen. Sumpah, disitu awal semua hal jadi tai kaya gini. It ruined my life big time. Gw harusnya ttp sahabatan sama said, gw harusnya bisa lulus Juli, gw harusnya harusnya harusnya. Gw mencoba percaya it'll all get better dan satu2nya harapan gw cuman dengan magang ini...

10.29 AM 24.06.2019 PCP, 25th I don't know how it all started. Bener-bener hanya iseng-iseng aja lihat2 lamaran dan mencoba-coba. Never thought I'm gonna be called or even got accepted. Kalo gw ga salah yaaa, gw masukin application sekitar tanggal akhir april gitu deh, udh mau lebaran juga. Hari-hari gabut seperti hari lainnya sambil bosen betulin revisian ya gw coba aja lamar2 kerja karena all this revisian starting to get ga jelas banget! Hari di Bandung semakin gak produktif, yang dilakuin tiap hari cuman minum.. minum.. dan minum doang. I guess i need to find a new productive routine, jadi yaudah coba aja ngelamar toh juga udah ngga jelas ngapain di Bandung tiap hari malah ngabisin duit doang tanpa ada pemasukan. Jujur, duit gw udh makin abis krn tiap hari minum dan nongkrong di cafe untuk neA heeee yaudah cari2 deh tuh Kalo ngga salah gw di email tuh tanggal 4 Juni deh, H-1 lebaran kalo gw dikasih kesempatan interveiw tanggal 11 Juni. Setelah pulang dari Jogja yang...

tiga puluh enam puluh hari akan ada musim yang berganti mengepak kaus dan jeans kesayangan lengkap dengan sepatu kotor yang diperkosa alam detik yang saat ini ku alami sama pentingnya seperti detik si pelari maraton maupun si perenang handal pun wanita muda yang berlari-lari mengejar kereta nafas yang saat ini dirasakan selalu terasa seperti nafas terakhir yang Tuhan izinkan boleh berhembus tawa yang saat ini kusaksikan terasa seperti hal yang akan membuat ku rindu cinta yang saat ini kurasakan mungkin terasa seperti hal yang secepatnya berlalu sisa-sisa apa yang seharusnya ku rasakan biarkan aku rasakan itu sendiri yang juga jika kubagikan tak akan bisa mengurangi arti tiga puluh enam puluh hari akan ada musim yang berganti tiga puluh enam puluh hari jangan terlalu cepat pergi

I gave him the letter last night. Got home at 8 am, cannot sleep sampai saat ini... Tuhan.. why this gotta be so hard.. on me? I just don't get it, people always say hukum tabur tuai and shit dan gw bener-bener belum bisa merasakan tuaian dari apa yang gw tabur. I know this is some egoistic shit tp menurut gw.....right now I just dont get it I literally always give my best to people, gw selalu ngasih yang terbaik banget untuk semua orang yang gw sayang. I just think I'm a harmless girl after all, dan gw ga pernah feel love like how I always love everyone in this world, well mungkin except for my family. Anyway blog, right now it just felt real. I felt like this is it.... i literally gotta move on with my life, once gw udh kasih surat itu, I know.. I just know im not gonna have another moment with him lagi.... bcs i know dia ngga akan memperjuangkan ini and shit. Why this all gotta happen pas gw mau lulus? Literally cuman satu sampai dua bulan lagi gw bakal nafas di...

This is a copy of a letter that i wrote for him at 22/05/2019. Writing this on the blog so I won't forget the feeling that I write. Gonna change his name to another name tho hehe! ----------------------------------- NB: Please play this song first! I Guess I Just Feel Like - John Mayer 23.15 KGU 28 Hi boti.. I'm making this surat because i feel something super strange.. and right now what helps me with all this feeling is only by writing. Writing all my feelings.. I guess i kinda don't believe in people right now. People wont get how much im hurting how many times i cry.. i shout.. and i tell... no.. not even you.. especially not you i guess.. So i laid it all now on paper.. on blogspot... The reason I'm writing this is that.... I am bursting out my tears right now as i was looking at our photo last night where you tried so hard to open up your eyes against the flash. That moment after i see that photo and as I'm seeing the photo, i feel a very strang...