MY ALTER EGO VS THE WORLD

 And for a moment I think I lose myself. Seeing him liking a girl's pics on instagram just 4 days ago hurt my heart too much and knowing he's actively replying to a lot of her tweets doesn't make it better. I opened her insta and seeing her liked pics, first thought popped into my mind....I'm just not that type of girl, that beautiful girl who's easy on the eyes, physically likeable and shit, I am far away from all that. Have I lost my mind? How can I even compare my great self with someone I literally do not know. I am comparing myself with a persona over a screen, can you imagine how crazy is that? And I do all that out of my insecurities that he doesn't put his heart on me because of this girl and her beauty, when I should really focus on myself more and how to heal, how to love myself. This fact just totally make me realize I'm still far away from loving myself, I am still in a long journey for that. And make me question even more, is this really what I ...

 its been a month since the call. am i doing ok? no. i guess a big no. i keep listening to sad playlist i specially made for u, rereading our conversations, just to be reminded of how much i love talking to you, what i believe have shown ur most vulnerable part of urs yet seen as the shiniest diamond in my eyes. i cannot put my head around how smart u are how funny u are how compassionate u are as a person as a friend and what i hoped as a lover when i first met you, not even a second that i would think u'll leave such a big impact in my life like what im feeling right now. never think that ill make a blogpost about how frustrated i am to love you this deeply even before....and even before im able to meet you in person, to hold you, hug you, even before all that. so i guess what im feeling is, am i being too deeply invested in a very short time? while youre still busy having a panic attack after seeing ur ex on ur timeline? am i that desperate of a person to be in love with someone...

Do love has its own way to get expired? Or is it the commitment that just got lost? I never get how people that has been married for so long suddenly get divorced on their 20th years of marriage? I was thinking, how can you get out of love with someone that you've known for so many years?  Just the thought of loving someone for so many years, having to see their face everyday, is there any chance that you want to get out of your comfort zone for the longest time?  You've possibly faced any challenge there is, i mean 20 years? what is something that you have not experienced together other then a pandemic caused by COVID-19? It was so clear in my head that the only thing that might caused this is a lover. Someone have found someone that is more fresh, make 'em feel young again, something that they've been longing for so long. All this marriage, family relationship, make you feel stale and old.   But I guess this time this is not the case.  It's so hard to see t...

What if writing my feelings down won't help me with anything? But why am I trying to let the world know how it feels when its almost impossible to make them feel that i feel even just a tiny bit. The only thing that care about me is me, the only one who understand the pain well is me and only me. Itu semua gabisa dipungkiri. Yes, I do care about people, especially my loved ones. But i cannot ease the pain, i cannot do more than listening to their pain, not bringing them with me, because I have my own pain. I guess its humane, its humane after all. I remember listening to this song diatas gunbat with my loved ones. Those are good days, I just sometimes hope, life goes as what i expect in just a tiny bit of a way. I wish gw sama said bisa work out, i wish gw bisa lulus juli dan bisa lebih tenang untuk gawe, I wish gw bahkan mungkin gausah pindah kelompok sekalian, I wish everything good is happening to me. I wish what i want is the good ones. What can i just for once, get someth...

Still can figure out why it just kept getting worse and worse. Naomi sama Momon besok sidang, and i dont know what to feel I guess I think karma does exist. Gw kira tanggal 5 udah bisa seminar, gw kira akhirnya satu tugas kelar juga. But no, revision revision terus dan terus datang, dan banyak banget. gatau lah perasaan gw campur aduk bangt. Kenapa gw harus milih TA ini, kenapa gw harus ninggalin kelompok gw? Kenapa gw harus TA sama BioFarma? Bayangin ya, kalo gw gak TA sama BioFarma, gw ga bakal sering di Bandung, gw gabakal gabung sama geng mabuy, gw bakal tetep di Nangor, sama tmn-tmn gw yang baik itu, dan gw bisa wisuda Juli. Gila, ga ngerti banget gw.. Tarikannya sejauh ini dari karma gw ninggalin temen. Sumpah, disitu awal semua hal jadi tai kaya gini. It ruined my life big time. Gw harusnya ttp sahabatan sama said, gw harusnya bisa lulus Juli, gw harusnya harusnya harusnya. Gw mencoba percaya it'll all get better dan satu2nya harapan gw cuman dengan magang ini...

10.29 AM 24.06.2019 PCP, 25th I don't know how it all started. Bener-bener hanya iseng-iseng aja lihat2 lamaran dan mencoba-coba. Never thought I'm gonna be called or even got accepted. Kalo gw ga salah yaaa, gw masukin application sekitar tanggal akhir april gitu deh, udh mau lebaran juga. Hari-hari gabut seperti hari lainnya sambil bosen betulin revisian ya gw coba aja lamar2 kerja karena all this revisian starting to get ga jelas banget! Hari di Bandung semakin gak produktif, yang dilakuin tiap hari cuman minum.. minum.. dan minum doang. I guess i need to find a new productive routine, jadi yaudah coba aja ngelamar toh juga udah ngga jelas ngapain di Bandung tiap hari malah ngabisin duit doang tanpa ada pemasukan. Jujur, duit gw udh makin abis krn tiap hari minum dan nongkrong di cafe untuk neA heeee yaudah cari2 deh tuh Kalo ngga salah gw di email tuh tanggal 4 Juni deh, H-1 lebaran kalo gw dikasih kesempatan interveiw tanggal 11 Juni. Setelah pulang dari Jogja yang...

tiga puluh enam puluh hari akan ada musim yang berganti mengepak kaus dan jeans kesayangan lengkap dengan sepatu kotor yang diperkosa alam detik yang saat ini ku alami sama pentingnya seperti detik si pelari maraton maupun si perenang handal pun wanita muda yang berlari-lari mengejar kereta nafas yang saat ini dirasakan selalu terasa seperti nafas terakhir yang Tuhan izinkan boleh berhembus tawa yang saat ini kusaksikan terasa seperti hal yang akan membuat ku rindu cinta yang saat ini kurasakan mungkin terasa seperti hal yang secepatnya berlalu sisa-sisa apa yang seharusnya ku rasakan biarkan aku rasakan itu sendiri yang juga jika kubagikan tak akan bisa mengurangi arti tiga puluh enam puluh hari akan ada musim yang berganti tiga puluh enam puluh hari jangan terlalu cepat pergi