TWIN FLAME

If I can nominate, twin flame is obviously the biggest bullshit of the century.

It has been seven good years that i hadn't been in a relationship. Throughout those 7 years as you can see from my blog post, my luck in romance is nearly zero. I fall in love with the wrong person, I got manipulated, I always put myself before everyone that cannot appreciate my love and compassion. Most of the times, I feel being the caretaker, putting on the pants in the relationship is always my calling. I can never put my guard down in being the emotional provider in the relationship, I'm the one who always take care and make sure everything is right and I do not need to receive the same love I give to these people. Guess I've always been treated that way even from the fam hence I normalize this dynamics from my romance life too.

Not loveable, hard too love, too hard to handle, I always associate my self as the problem to compensate the love I don't receive, to make me feel better about the way I'm being treated. It's a coping mechanics to make me feel better about the way I'm being treated, I feel less shameful about how much I put an effort into my relationship that I don't deserve love anyway 'cause I'm hard to love until I met this guy.

This guy is my so called twin flame. From the moment we knew each other I know it from the very start that I really want to make this guy mine. He is funny, smart, he is so loving. He is highly critical about things, he makes all difficult conversation easy. He never settle for less in his career, hence he pursue what he knows work best for him. People always consider me as the class clown and he is one of the few person that can make me shit my ass off laughing so hard at his jokes. That's how funny he is. I never thought and wish to have a class clown boyfriend but this dude proof me otherwise. Now I think that's the most important thing from my boyfriend. I can only imagine having the best life laughing and 100% sure I'll have harsh smile line faster than my friend cs this guy cracks me up so much.

Cannot lie we escalate things pretty quickly, we love bomb to each other from the start and we unlock new milestones pretty fast. First time meeting the family, first time seeing the friend group, first time kissing and everything. I have never fall in love with someone this easy and quick I feel like I'm in a movie or something. With him, I feel like God is blessing my life so much cs not a million years I would finally meet someone that can see my worth, appreciate every little thing in my life the way he do. He turned my insecurity to the greatest thing he love about me and that alone make me feel so much better about myself. Life suddenly makes more sense with him around. I feel like I can achieve the impossible with him beside me, I feel powerless, limitless.

It felt like its too good to be true, everything. When you're being served something that is way too good, your instinct is to prepare for some catch behind it. What's the catch? With that thought I'm so scared to have reach a moment where I cannot see him the same way I see him before. It's because I love him way too too much, the slightest thing that ruin my imagery about him breaks me down, let alone not seeing him as the same person I fell in love too. But again, this is way too good to be true, I must prepare at all times that he will eventually fail me. Now the question is when, how, and will we get through it?

Never have I imagine that the day would come so soon. It is on this very day that I have to accept his love has some flaws too. His obsession on me kills him that he compensate my trust and jeopardizing our relationship. He disappoint me and it's something that we can unwind. The tricky part about trust that it is like a crumbled paper, no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we forgive, we will never forget it happen and it will always make us more cautious. Betrayal is not everyone's best friend and obviously is not mine. I am so confused right now, how can someone that love you that deeply destroy you? 

Aren't love supposed to be about believing in each other?
Am I not making a safe space for our relationship?
Am I not good enough for anyone?
Am I that hard to love?

I don't think I deserve all this pain.

This hurts, a lot.